I know a guy who used to be a commodities trader and quit to open his own coffee shop. One of the commodities he would trade was coffee beans.
Fun fact: The commodity exchange employs someone whose job is to sample coffee beans as they are delivered, roast them, make pots of coffee and taste it to make sure of the quality.
Having made his fuck-you money, the commodities broker decided to create the coffee shop of his dreams. Surprisingly, it's just like every other coffee shop. When you issue a series of bonds, at the end the principals are given a bound set of the deal documents. These deal books have the heft of unabridged dictionaries. The name of the series is printed in gold on the spines. His coffee shop has one whole wall with all of his deal books on shelves. Riveting reads. The wall of books is beautiful but business is lousy.
I knew a woman who said she had an intoxication fetish rather than admit she was addicted. She called the drug "the lover in my veins". She was trained as a chef but worked as a hooker. She made thousands of dollars a day but was always broke. She said, "I make tracks look good." She was wrong.
Her sexual fantasy was to be handcuffed to a bed and have a guy shoot her up and then fuck her in the ass. She also told me that the two most unreliable types of service workers are hookers and drug dealers. I always try to remember that in case it ever comes up.
Fun fact: I know nothing about injecting drugs and am unwilling to learn even when the incentive is fucking a beautiful woman in the ass.
Smuggling is easy. You don't have to be clever, you just have to look humble. For example, you can transport a bag containing $3.5 million in cash between any two points in Philadelphia as long as you ride public transportation and wear an old t-shirt and jeans. You won't look worth robbing. To be safe, throw some dirty underwear on top of the cash so if anyone looks in the bag they will think it's laundry. Put $7.50 and your transit card in your pocket just in case you do get robbed by someone super fucking poor or high. They'll take the money and let you keep your laundry and transit card if they don't kill you. They may also ask you for a cigarette. Say you don't smoke.
I know this guy who acquired $3.5 million in a tax-free transaction and decided to invest it. His investment strategy was to corner the world cocaine market. He planned to do this by hiding it all in his nose.
Fun fact: There is no formal term for the thing that people do when they draw powder cocaine into their noses, usually using a short length of straw or rolled-up bill. 'Snort' is slang. 'Inhale' is wrong, because the drug is not drawn into the lungs. The closest I've found is "insufflate", but that's hard to remember after the first couple of lines.
The guy used to say, "I don't like cocaine, I just like the way it smells." That was a lie.
After he got sober, he would say, "Coke is great. In fact, there is only one thing in the whole world that's better than doing cocaine. Not doing cocaine." That was the truth.
Fun fact: People who do a lot of coke get horny and seek out sex. The men are usually unable to get an erection while high. This leads to all sorts of amusing predicaments.
The moral: Sex, drugs and coffee are not good investments.
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