Hi there! You! Yes, you, I am talking to you, you empty-headed twit, crossing against the light. Hi! I should run your ass down and do the world a favor, but then I remember I was 18 once.
No, don't speak. I did not slam on my brakes with my front bumper inches from your shins because I wanted to hear you yap. Shut the fuck up and listen. Are you listening?
Welcome to West Philadelphia. Things are a little different here than what you might expect in ... wherever the hell you are from. Oh, New Jersey? What a surprise. I thought I told you to shut the fuck up.
See all this traffic out here? It's like a speedway ... that you walked into the middle of. This is called rush hour and - see all these people? - they are all trying to get onto something called the Schuylkill, where they will weave in and out of traffic for a frustrating hour to go twenty miles, and they're realllly anxious to get started on that ... and you're in their way. If you want to go on living and enjoying your fashionable .... whatever the fuck that is that you're wearing, you should keep your head up when crossing streets.
And you were looking tense. I don't mean now, when I am screaming in your face, you should be tense now. I meant before. What's the problem, young shithead? Is it ... could it be... maybe ... you're scared of all the black people around here? You probably aren't used to the concept of people having different color skin, being from suburban Republican hell like you are.
Since you're so clearly bright, you'll probably figure out that people are people about the time you get set to graduate. In the meantime, follow some simple rules. Make eye contact. Speak when spoken to. Get the fuck out of people's way. When you're north of Market or south of Baltimore, or anywhere after dark, take off the fucking iPod and put it the fuck away. Remember, they hate you just as much as you hate them, except they're right. Following these simple rules will extend the duration of your worthless life and make you seem like less of an asshole.
Now get the fuck out of my road.
And if I stop my car to let you cross the street, fucking move. I don't have all day and neither will you once I decide to start driving again.
And for fuck's sake, don't wear sandals in the city. It's dirty here.
Posted by: ChrisV82 | September 15, 2007 at 11:18 AM
Gee. You'd think after spending their teenaged years in Manhattan getting drunk and acting like assholes they'd be more comfortable in an urban environment.
Oh, wait, everyone in Manhattan is from Ohio and Connecticut now. Never mind.
Posted by: julia | September 15, 2007 at 01:03 PM
Man, truer words were never written...GTF outta the way, kids. Well said, man. I had a laugh...and nods of approval.
Posted by: Frank | September 15, 2007 at 08:30 PM