I said the other day I would describe what LASIK is like.
I had worn glasses since first grade. I got evaluated for laser correction a few years ago and then chickened out, given the cost and the lack of a long-term track record for the procedure with some risk of complications. But I thought about it off and on, and then Mac at pesky apostrophe' started talking about doing it, so I made up my mind to get it done. It just so happened the doctor had available appointments, so within 2 weeks I was getting in the chair.
The technology has really advanced in five years. They took several scans of my eyes they hadn't done back then, and got a very detailed computer map of the retina. They could tell I had some nightvision problems, so they recommended the custom LASIK, which requires more specialized equipment. The custom procedure is $4,600, rather than $3,600 for standard. MBNA gave me a 12-month line of credit with no interest if I pay it off in time.
They give you drops to numb your eyes, mark your pupil with some kind of surgical marker, and wedge your head in place with a pillow filled with a substance that feels like sand. They tape one eyelid shut and clamp the other one open with a metal thing that's straight out of A Clockwork Orange. They coat the eye they're going to work on with some sort of goop. There is a light right over the eye that they tell you to look at - to keep your eye in one position. If your eye does move, apparently the laser sees the dots made by the surgical marker and can move with it, but they don't recommend that.
Then they put some kind of device with a saw or a blade on your eye and make an incision and - guessing from the feeling - pull the incision open. The cut itself just feels like a pressure on the side of the eye, although it's also clear that it's cutting. At this point, the light they have you focus on is a blurry, blinking, orange dot. Then they tell you definitely not to move while the laser works. The laser sounds uncomfortably like a bugzapper going off over your face, and they neglect to tell you in advance that you can smell your eyeball burning. I have an overactive imagination that pictured a Nazi doctor putting a cigarette out in my eye.
What's really freaky is that you can see your vision sharpening as the laser is running. Even through the goop, the little light blinking above your eye gets sharper with each zap of the laser. When it's done, you can see clearly that it's a little diode or lightbulb, not just a blob of light.
When the zapping is done, they put your eyeball back together. This consists of sort of stroking what I imagine is a flap of cut, gooped-up eyeball with what feels like a basting brush. The brochure says that the eye's natural suction pulls the cut ends together, and that "usually" no sutures are required. I try not to think about it.
Imagining Dr. Mengele and his ivory cigarette holder, I got a little anxious. First, the doctor told me to breathe. Then, he told me not to hyperventilate. Thanks, Herr Doktor.
Then they tape the first eye shut and do the second. It all takes about 15 minutes. Your vision is hazy, but noticeably clear, and you can see enough to walk and stuff, but not drive. They give you a bunch of drops you have to take religiously for the next few days.
They prop you up and look in your eyes and tell you to go take a nap for 4-5 hours, using Tylenol PM or whatever you need to knock yourself out. You wonder why until the numbing drops wear off, then all you can think about is the power sanders that seem to have been installed in your eyelids. It burns. It hurts. It stings. It's fine. It burns again. This goes on until you can knock yourself out.
When I woke up 5 hours later, it was fine. Better than fine. I can really, actually see without lenses for as long as I can remember. Of course, I have to use the drops every hour and wear ridiculous protective eyewear for a week, but it really is worth it.
Overall, the actual procedure and aftermath suck, but the results are really cool.
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