Dedicate One to the Ladies...

(A new feature tonight on Fables of the reconstruction - drunkblogging. If you read very closely, you might notice an uptick in profanity and crude sexual references. Course, you'd notice them if you weren't reading very closely either, probably.)

Fuck the Foreplay

So we tried something new tonight and instead of watching the debate at home, we went out to a bar on South Street. But see, I just got a new mattress. Nice and firm. So, we were 20 minutes late for the debate, because we had to test-drive the new mattress. It performed well on all three axes under a variety of stresses. Two orgasms in twenty minutes, you can't say liberals are not efficient.

At 9:23, walked into the middle of John Kerry talking about fair trade, but I have to work tomorrow, so I can't do shots. Wanted a draft Stella, but the Pontiac's taps were down. Got a New Castle instead. She got a can of Fosters.

Bush comes back with "Whew. That was a litany of misstatements." Good one, Georgie. He's very calm tonight. Talks about tax relief and putting more food on your family - I mean, more money in your pocket. That's good, much better than lunging at the moderator.

Schieffer hits Bush with "Is homosexuality a choice?" Bush gives his best answer, "I don't know." It's his best answer because it's one of the few that is absolutely true. Refreshing, for Bush. He talks out his ass for a couple minutes about consenting adults (oh, is that why the Texas sodomy law should have been upheld?) and tolerance (except in the workplace or in housing or in any other area until election time).

Kerry counterpunches with Cheney's daughter, who I am beginning to feel sorry for. Says it's not a choice. Attaboy, John.

Schieffer says, "Some Catholic bishops like to rape boys, Senator." Wait. He didn't say that. My notes are not so clear. Maybe he said that some bishops like it up the ass. No. Maybe he asked about some bishops saying it would be a sin to vote for Kerry. Nah, that's even more ludicrous. But Kerry answers it anyway, because it's politics, and every dumbass question deserves a dumbass answer.

But Kerry doesn't give a dumbass answer! He's so smart. He respects their views (read: FUCK you, child rapists), but can't legislate an article of faith, and quotes JFK. Good. But then does the exact right thing - unusual for Maximum John - and slides right into helping the poor, protecting the environment, working for equality and justice. Great! If he had just said going to war as an actual last resort, instead of a pretend last resort, he would have won over all 3 principled christians in the country who weren't already going to fucking vote for him. Still, it needed to be said.

Bush body-slams Kerry with the partial-birth-abortion-ban answer. No one likes partial-birth abortion. It's horrifying, especially since it's not a medical term and late-term abortion (not the same thing) happens in 0.0000003% of cases. But Kerry voted against the ban, before he voted for it, or something. Who knows. George wouldn't know a relevant fact if it bit him in his ass.

Ownership Society Slogan: Don't Ask Me for Shit

Question from the Face the Nation guy: Health costs are going up, what are you two assholes going to do about it?

I love Bush's answer. Basically, he's going to make you pay for your own health care, because the fact that you have insurance makes you a lazy fuck who doesn't shop around and you demand an MRI every time you have a fucking headace. You stupid, resource-stealing, fat fucks. I love that answer.

Also, the trial lawyers suck, generic drugs are great (although he's done nothing to promote them) and technology will solve our problems. (I notice a trend - last debate the technology was going to solve our warfighting problems, too. A great thing, except (a) what the fuck is he talking about?, and (b) Star Wars.)

Kerry hits right back with negotiating lower drug prices. I am all in favor of lower drug prices. Do you know, do you have any idea, what pot and coke cost nowadays? Me, neither.

Bush says Kerry has not led on health care. Kerry says, "I did too" and sticks out his tongue.

(On to the next New Castle and oil can of Fosters, respectively. My handwriting is getting gdhjagfdsv. She realizes in the bathroom that her shirt is on backward.)

I am skipping a bit because we have all heard it before.

Hi, Moms!

Bob the TV guy is asking another question: Doesn't social security privitization actually suck and cost a lot of money, Pres. Furious George? Bush says, oh no, don't think about Enron. DON'T THINK ABOUT ENRON. He mentions the magic of compound interest. That's it. Put your money in a CD, and by the time you retire, on an inflation adjusted basis, you'll have enough to buy yourself a gun and blow your brains out, because sure as fuck you won't have enough to live on. Kerry says he's not going to cut people's benefits. He says he's going to fix it, someday. He's like the overly intelligent husband who promises to fix the roof next week, promise, honey. Bush is the guy who will burn the house down and say, "Presto! No more leaky roof."

That's when it hits me. These guys are talking about these personal issues, health care, abortion, social security benefits. Bush is being all mellow, like he's medicated again. They're both playing to the women. It's all about the women - well, not all the women. Not most intelligent, informed women. It's all about the dumbass women in the middle who have not yet made up their minds and are dithering over which of these two men to take to bed. And Bush and Kerry are fingering them and lapping at their cunts as best as they can, in order to get over on them this one night, and get them to pull that lever in 3 weeks.

(Incidentally, can anyone with a straight face say they believe that George W. Bush goes down on Laura more than once or twice a year? I mean, look at that guy. Would you want that face near your crotch? He nearly died eating a pretzel. He might accidentally kill you trying to find your clit. Of course, who the fuck knows what goes on in the Heinz/Kerry bedroom; I feel confident saying that Teresa gets her rocks off on a regular basis, but whether or how John is involved I have no idea.)

They babble about illegal immigration. They both seem to be against it. There goes Bush with the technology again; this time, it's sealing the border. Right, just like in the comic books you read.

The minimum wage comes up. John's for raising it. Bush says Mitch McConnell had a plan to raise it that he supported, which is such a good answer. He then segues into No Child Left Behind, which is also such a great answer. He says reading is a new civil right. Every child should be proficient enough in reading that they can read their draft notice. Nah, he didn't say that. But he thought it.

In another debate, in another universe, in a galaxy far, far away, the next question would be a body blow: So, do you want to overturn Roe v. Wade? Bush says he doesn't have a litmus test. Kerry says of course the dumbass wants to overturn Roe and enslave women. Lick, lick.

Guns, God and Gays

Will there be a draft? Is there a back-door draft? (Of course, that's why I was 20 minutes late to this symposium.) Kerry says President Furious George has behaved like a dumbass. Bush says the best way to get relief to the troops is to win in Iraq. (You know what, I am thinking that most of the people over there just want to get the fuck out. Winning would be nice. But getting the fuck out with all your limbs and faculties is the priority.) He mentioned "global test" and being resolute, and people in the bar throw up. Kerry says, "Fuck, I wish I had never said 'global test'", and then says it amounts to a "truth standard." Which is a good line, because Bush can't explicitly be against truth, although he has done a pretty effective job running against it.

We get assault weapons and affirmative action. Kerry is against big guns in the hands of bad guys and against quotas. Bush wants to sell off stuff to black people, I think. This goes along with everyone getting their own health care so you won't be such lazy, fat fucks anymore.

Question from Gravelly-Voiced Moderator: What role does faith play in your decision-making? Bush makes the AMAZING STATEMENT that you're equally American if you believe or don't believe. That draws him 3 votes from uncommitted atheists, counteracting Kerry's prior pickup of 3 believers. Kerry says we have a lot more loving of our neighbor to do. I would like to love my neighbor while perched on the barstool, or bent over the bar, but I am afraid of getting thrown out, and plus I have to TAKE NOTES dammit, so I can drunkenly type this up later.

Question: What will you do to unite the country? Kerry says he's going to bore everyone into unanimity. Bush says the country was divided before he got there, and he has a note from his doctor, and it's not his fault. Plus, he's disappointed. You know how the stupid fucking people like to hear a good-hearted man say how he's disappointed in everything that has gone wrong. Not angry, just sad. Now, where the fuck is that clit?

Proving my thesis, Mr. Debate Moderator injects himself into the conversation by noting that all three of them, - you know, the two guys one of which will be president of the United fucking States of America, and a talking head - all have strong wives. Basically, the question is, how do you control your woman, aside from giving her head once or twice a year? Bush gives the truly best line, which is, "Stand up straight and don't scowl." Actually, that's the instructions he was given before the debate, but since the target audience for the debate and Stepford Wife Laura are about the same IQ, the answer is the one other truthful Bush response of the night. Kerry jokes about him marrying rich-as-hell Teresa, which makes him something - ballsy or honest or some fake other thing - but it makes me drink. Also, he says Bush is a great father. Awwwwwwwwwwww, that Mr. Kerry is so sweet. Both of them look relieved it's over and they can go back to fucking stomping all over each other tomorrow.

Fuck. Goddamn, I hate democracy.

Both of them gear it down even further for the closing statements. Kerry says we need to be united, we need to work for equality, and we will prevail with "faith in God, and confidence in the mission of America." God bless the U.S. of A.! Bush starts talking about a painting, one that hung over the couch in his frat house I think, which depicted a sunrise. I am so ready for him to bust out with "It's morning in America!" He says there is an achievement gap in the country. (I say there is an achievement gap in the White House.) He says he'll spread freedom and liberty around the world, asks for your vote, and says, "God bless you." Ha! Much more direct; take that, Kerry!

Back to drinking. It makes much more sense, and is more fun than trying to take these guys' speeches seriously.

Update: This reminds me that my girlfriend the doctor says she thinks Bush has had a stroke, because the left side of his face, especially his mouth, was drooping. It is noticeable, even through an alcoholic haze. My alcoholic haze, not the President's.

Comments

[bridget]

Two orgasms in 20 minutes. You ought to be running for President.

[Cyn]

I bet Teresa has a Hitachi Magic Wand.

[bitchphd]

You forgot to mention Kerry's bizarre invocation of the wage gap. As opposed to anything else that women might actually care about, like being able to get bcp without having to rely on the magnanimous hand of your pharmacist to decide whether or not you're a good girl or a dirty slut.

Funny thing is, I was also saying last night that you just know that Bush never, never, never fucks Laura. I forget what it was that made me think that though. Other than that it's completely obvious.

[MIthras]

I bet Teresa has a Hitachi Magic Wand.

I don't know. She might eschew electrical toys altogether. You know?

You forgot to mention Kerry's bizarre invocation of the wage gap.

He said it last time, too, right? Or was it Edwards? I don't think it's bizarre, I think it's a focus-grouped message. BCP, EC (sex) = bad; equal pay (workin' moms) = good.

[Lenny]

Now that was a waste of a blog.

[bitchphd]

It's bizarre b/c it's not a compelling issue. I mean, it sucks ass and it pisses me off, the wage gap, but it's very abstract and I think swing voters kinda go "whatever," and chalk it up to moms working part-time or whatever. Things like daycare, worker protections, overtime pay, and the like seem more concrete, I think.

[mark safranski]

"Funny thing is, I was also saying last night that you just know that Bush never, never, never fucks Laura."

Are you saying that George and Laura Bush have a sexless marriage that's merely a cynical charade maintained to achieve political power ? That would never happen in the White House if a Democrat was in office !

Mithras, while I don't agree with you too often this was one of your more enjoyable efforts

[Mithras]

Thanks, Mark. I am a silly drunk.

Prof. Bitch-
it's very abstract and I think swing voters kinda go "whatever," and chalk it up to moms working part-time or whatever. Things like daycare, worker protections, overtime pay, and the like seem more concrete, I think.

Maybe you're right. I always assume somebody focus-groups every line before one of these things, and they go with the ones that resonate with their target audience (i.e., not us.)

[Lisa Williams]

I fuckin' loved this post.
Plus the post is profane enough so that I can use the F word in comments.
Fuckin' awesome.

[N]

Not that I want to encourage bad habits or nuthin' but I think sex + drinking + blogging might just be a winning formula for you. The post was very, uh, fluid. Glad you're enjoying the mattress.

[Violent Femme]

2 orgasms in 20 minutes?

lightweights!!

[Hitachi Magic Wand]

There is nothing better than the Hitachi Magic Wand. I like the G-spot attachment.